Brunch
by C. Ex Machina
Summary: The boys go to a delegation breakfast. . .Chaos insues.


"No! I'm not going and that's final!" Heero shook his head in vehement disapproval.  
"Yes you are! You were invited too. All of us were. I know this is going to be painful, but you have to go." Quatre grabbed Heero's arm and dragged him towards his bedroom. "You have to shower, and shave, and all that good stuff, we have to go in an hour."  
"Well, you can go without me!" A vein stood up in Heero's forehead and his face turn bright red with strain. The rest of the gundam pilots were dragging his to his room and adjoining bathroom.  
Duo gave a hard tug with a grim face. "I'll tell you what, Heero. Either you shower and shave and get yourself dressed, or we do it for you. Your choice."  
With a final convulsive effort, Heero broke free, giving the glare of death to each and ever pilot. Then hanging his head in defeat, he mumbled something, then stalked off into his room and slammed the door. Minutes later, they all heard the shower run.  
Trowa looked confused. "What did he say?"  
Quatre smiled, "He swore he would kill us."  
Wufei gave a disgusted look, "What is his problem? It's just a small breakfast function."  
Quatre gave a small laugh, "But it's a Relena sponsored function. . ."  
  
Title: Brunch  
Author: Mrs. Shinigami  
Archive: GWing Writers Guild, DarkFlame's Gundam Wing Archive  
Pairings: You'll see  
Warnings: A lack of sanity  
  
  
At 10:30am, five well dressed young men came out of the safe house they all own on the borders of the Sanc Kingdom. Each was identical in a black suit and tie. Walking down the road, a pink limo roared by and came to stop beside them. Heero, quick as a cat whipped out a pistol from the inside of his jacket and trained it on the driver's side window.  
Quatre groaned and grabbed it with some effort from Heero's grip. "Did I tell you to leave that at home?"  
"But we might need some protection."  
The window rolled down and Pagan, Relena's chauffeur and butler looked out with sweat streaming down his face. "I-I was j-just told by Miss Relena to give you a ride to the estate. . .I-I-f you don't want to. . ."  
Duo snickered, "Yeah, Heero, we need protection from an old man who looks like a Muppet driving a Mary Kay car. Suuuuure."  
Trowa covered his mouth to keep from laughing, "Come on guys, we're running late."  
The pilots filed into the car and rode to the function. Quatre spent the time speaking quietly to Trowa who smiled and responded softly back. Wufei looked ponderously out one of the windows as Duo found the champagne in the cooler, and Heero slouched unhappily between Duo and Wufei.  
The limo eventually made it to the estate. Heero saw everyone one from every delegation on earth from Duo's window. It's do or die time.  
Trowa help Quatre out of the limo tenderly by the hand. Wufei came out on the other side, and help Duo out. . .and pry Heero out. Then, they all heard it. . .  
"HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEERO!"  
Heero's eyes widened in fear. He ran into the crowd on the green. Dodging and twisting he ran behind the buffet table. He had lost her. . .Now he had some time to look around. There were hedge sculptures all over the green. Flamingoes, elephants, one looked like a colony. The spread at the table was incredible. Eggs fixed in every kind of way, fresh fruit, toast, all kinds of breakfast food. In the middle of the table, however was the one thing that disturbed him the most. . .She had a ice sculpture of herself done which was sitting benevolently, watching over the punch and champagne.  
"Heero! Where are you?"  
Heero remained crouched behind the enormous table, and was just content to watch the party. A sudden lurch of the buffet table caused Heero to almost lose his balance. Looking up slowly, he saw Duo.  
Duo was just about as drunk as one could get before passing out. The lurch Heero felt was Duo running into the table. Probably forgot it was there, Heero thought. Silly longhaired baka. Duo looked around, his violet eyes bleary and red. He looked up at the Relena ice sculpture.  
"Hey good lookin'. Wanna dansh?" Grabbing the sculpture's hand, Duo did some kind of odd tango with it. Then it's hand snapped off. Duo looked with confusion at the icy hand in his. Then his eyes widened with comprehension as he dutifully snapped off each finger on the hand. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. And into his drink they went. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Smiling to himself, Duo threw the rest of the ice hand over his shoulder, narrowly missing Zechs Merquise's mask as he did so. He disappeared back into the crowd.  
"My god! This is the worst omelet I have ever had!" Heero watched as Trieze Khushrenada, head of the OZ organization wrinkle his brows in disdain and drop his fork back on his plate. "Time to take matters into my own hands." Trieze walked to the far end of the table, so intent in his mission for the perfect omelet, he didn't even see Heero crouched by the table. Walking over to the cook, he placed his hand on the man's shoulder. "You sir, have performed your duties as best as you could, but consider yourself overthrown." Trieze shoved the man out of the way. Then opening his jacket, he pulled out a small square of white cloth. He unfolded it and shook it out. Heero gasped. It was a poofy chef's hat. Heero would have never guessed, this tyrant of the earth, is a chef?!  
"I need some fresh eggs, people. Lady Une, go into the kitchen and fetch me some butter, oregano, milk, cheese. . .I'm going to make an omelet to rival all omelets. " His eyes sparkled as he pulled on the chef's hat, making sure his eyebrows weren't caught underneath. Lady Une brought a clear Pyrex bowl and three dozen boxes of fresh eggs. With a debonair flare, he deftly cracked open three eggs in the bowl, and (without soiling his gloves) took the eggbeater and whisked them with flare.  
"These are going to melt in your mouth, aren't they Lady?"  
"Yes, Mr. Trieze."  
Enough of this, Heero thought. He crawled from under the table, looking around before he stood up fully. Dusting himself off, he went around to mingle with the other people there. He spied Zechs with a plate stacked a mile high. Pancakes, waffles, three kinds of doughnuts, eggs, hash browns, and a large slice of cantaloupe. He was talking to Miss Noin at one of the tables. About fifteen empty coffees cups littered the table. Heero's eye widened in awe and disgust. That has to be the litter table of the whole OZ delegation. It HAD to be.  
"Zechs, how can you eat so much." Noin looked at the Lightening Baron in awe. "You still have a great figure as well. How do you do it?"  
"It is easy my dear, " Zechs rasped between the monstrous bites and gulping of coffee. "I have the metabolism of a shrew. . .I can eat and eat and not gain a thing!" He shoved a link sausage into his mouth. "Have you tried these, Noin? They are to die for!" With that, five more went into his mouth.  
"No thanks, Zechs." Noin looked down at her lone cup of coffee and sunny side up egg on it's saucer. "I'm on a diet."  
"That is too bad. . .Mmmmm. . .bacon, I just love bacon!" His speaking became incoherent as he resumed gouging himself with food. There was spatterings of egg yolk and sausage gravy on front of his mask.  
Heero looked away. There was a commotion in the middle of the party. Duo, in all his drunken glory had grabbed Sally Po and was doing a very seductive grind with her, an idiotic grin plastered across his face.  
"Oh baby. . .You're the greatest. . ." Duo kept going lowered and lower. Sally, her face beat red, never went down, just dancing to humor him. He came up coming even closer to her. Pelvis to pelvis they continued. Duo's taut lithely muscled body pressed against Sally's silk dressed body. She was also in excellent shape and their dancing was almost fluid. Duo danced pretty well for someone who was drunk off his ass. Sally started to get into the dance. Unbraiding Duo's hair, she buried her hands in it an continued, the dance getting more and more seductive as she danced with him. When the song ended, both of them were breathless. Duo nodded to Sally, but as she caught his eye, he licked his lips slowly. Sally once again turned red and returned the gesture.  
Heero chuckled to himself. Man, this probably isn't the kind of party Relena had in mind, he thought. Reaching over to a seemingly abandoned plate, Heero picked up a piece of buttered toast. Nibbling on the edges, he heard a cry of absolute outrage. Turning, he saw Wufei, as mad as a rabid cat. His eyes gleamed with murderous thoughts.  
"What do you think you are doing with that toast, Yuy" Wufei's tone was deadly calm.  
"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean it. I'll get you another piece."  
"Oh no, Yuy. I demand justice for my slice of toast that you have so foolishly befouled." And with that, Wufei whips his sword.  
Heero takes one look, turn on his heel and runs away. While dodging through and between partygoers, he could hear Wufei hurling insults after him.  
" Miserable toast stealing cur! You dishonorable breakfast eating fool!"  
Heero dashed as fast as he could, blurs of people whipping by. Then he saw it. . .The giant elephant hedge animal, sliding behind it, he looked out from his refuge, watching Wufei scan the crowd for him.  
"Ahem. . ."  
Heero turned around with a start, and saw Trowa and Quatre behind the bush with him . . . Their arms were about each other. Both of their coats lay strewn on the ground. Trowa's suspenders were down and his white shirt open to his pants. Heero could see several buttons to that shirt on the ground. Quatre's pants were unbuttoned. Both seemed to be breathing hard. Heero gave Quatre a smoldering look. "You were the one who told me to come to this thing. You guys could have done that at home."  
Quatre gave a sheepish look, "Sorry. . .It was the waffles."  
Heero's eyes narrowed. "What. . ."  
Quatre looked lovingly at Trowa. "The waffles, Heero. I was remembering the last time Trowa and I had waffles and syrup . . . It was late night in the safe house . . .We were late. . .I made some waffles and syrup and Trowa suggested that I ate them off of his stomach and. . ."  
Heero shook his head, "No more-"  
"There you are, you insolent consumer of toasted bread!"  
"Eep."  
Heero continued on, running once more through the crowd. Suddenly, he was buckled and sent flying to the ground by a chair set carelessly out beside a table.  
Hey, Heero. Great party, eh?" Bent over his prone body was Duo. He looked like he had calmed down a bit. In one hand was a fork in the other was a stack of thick fluffy pancakes drenched in butter and syrup.  
Looking off to his side, Heero saw Wufei coming at a rapid pace, sword held high over hid head. Heero needed a weapon. . .but what?  
With lightening reflexes, Heero got up, grabbed one of Duo's pancakes, and flung it sidearm at Wufei. He hit his target.  
"Argh!" Wufei grabbed his face. His nose, eyes and forehead were covered under the sticky breakfast pastry. He went down like a chopped tree, screaming like a stuck pig. "Noooo! Felled by a such a sticky tasty breakfast treat! I have disgraced you Master Long! For this injustice, the only justice will be in my death! I will suffocate under the weapon which has so dishonored me!"  
Duo took one look at Heero. And one look at the now incoherent Wufei. Then at his remaining stack of pancakes. His eyes widened and sparkled with a feral light. He opened his mouth and took a big intake of breath.  
Heero's own eyes widened. Oh god. . .oh god oh god oh god. . .This is not good. "No, Duo. . .Please, no Duo."  
It was too late.  
"PANCAKE FIGHT!" Running like a fiend, Duo grabbed each pancake off of his plate and flung it at the innocent passerby. When he ran out of ammo, he made a beeline over to the buffet table. Climbing onto the table, he grabbed the syrup bottle, which was about 2 gallons, and poured into the giant tub of pancakes. Then hefting the tub up on his shoulder, he have another yell and took off into the crowd pastering people, bits of butter and pancake stuck in his hair. Heero ran after him, surveying the baka's damage. Sally Po had a pancake bra. . .Zechs Merquise's mask now had to big eyes. He was reaching out like a blind man.  
"Noin, Noin! I have been blinded! I can't see a thing!"  
Heero continued rushing by the damage. . . Relena screaming about the lawn with a pancake tilted upon the top of her head like a jaunty beret with syrup running down her face. . .Trieze sitting stock still, poised legs crossed, halfway through his a omelet, fork in mid air a look of utter disbelief on his face. . .  
At least he missed someone, Heero thought. . .until he saw the back of Trieze's head, a golden cake was stuck there, the syrup glistening in the sun.   
Heero finally found Duo, tub of the remaining pancakes dumped over, flinging them up in the air much like a child in autumn leaves.  
"WEEEEE! WEEEEEE! WEEEE- Hey!" Duo's cries of jubilation were cut short as Heero thrust his hand in Duo's sticky head of hair and yanked him up to his feet.  
"We are Leaving", Heero said through clenched teeth. Hand still in his hair, Heero yanked Duo's ear closer to his mouth. "And don't. . .ever. . .EVER. . .Let me catch you doing ANYTHING like that again." Heero shook Duo's head by the hair for emphasis.  
"Ow. . .Okay, jeez." Duo winced with pain.  
"Now, you get Wufei before he suffocates on that pancake, and I'll get the two lovebirds. . ." Heero trailed off as he looked towards the hedge elephant, which was now shaking violently. "Okay, I'll meet you and Wufei out side the gate of the estate in five minutes." He heaved a big sigh and went to join the crowd that gathered about the elephant. . .  
Five boys walked down a road that was coated red in the color of the sun set. Two of them were missing various articles of clothing, one had a sword in hand muttering oaths to himself, one had his hands thrust deep in his pockets, and the last was chewing silently on the end of his long syrup coated hair.  
Heero shook his head slowly back and forth and started to chuckle. The other pilots looked at him in amazement.   
"Out of all the embarrassment, anger, and frustration I have endured today, I have to thank you guys for one thing. . .Keeping me away from Relena." 


End file.
